Reflections

Okay so it's my turn to reflect on turning 50.  As I sit here thinking about the big 5-0, I am reminded of MTV's "Real World" and the "confessional", (a bit of showing my age here).  This was the room where the house members used to sit and talk.  So this is me sitting in the chair in the "confession room".  I sit here and think about being "old" and the past year.  First I know that I want Ahtesham to be happy and do whatever makes him happy.  I thought I knew just what to expect this year and I really want him to succeed.  Work has had some changes and I didn't think that it had affected me all that much.  Thinking back now, maybe it has bothered me a bit more than I care to believed.  There are other changes that don't really have anything to do with me, but I think in some small way have affected me a little as well.  I don't like change, I never have.  I really don't adjust well to change.  I know that change is inevitable and that everything changes, but I hate change.  Okay I don't hate it and know that some change is good.  I like being comfortable, I like knowing what is coming, where things will be, I like comfort and routine.  And I don't like letting go.  

    So 50, it's a large number.  This past week I felt old, let me explain.  I worked three back to back shifts and at the end of everyday I was tired and all my body ached.  I suddenly felt "old", I wondered how long can I continue to run up and down the hall care for patients.  And then of course I wonder, what have I accomplished?  Have I done any good in the world?  Have I made a difference?  What more can I do?  I'm sure everyone has these thoughts or similar thoughts.  

   My marathon training is not going well and I have come to the realization that I may have to drop to another 1/2 marathon.  This leaves me with the question, "where will I get to do my full marathon?"  I'm not sure, but I am looking at other races.  

    I also started a "water challenge" on the 1st of July.  On that challenge I can say I am doing very well.  If I were following the strict letter of the challenge, I should drink about 110 ounces of water a day.  I am drinking 3 liters of water a day, it is hard to get it all in, but I have managed to drink at least 3 liters every day so far.  This is for me is good, before the challenge I did good to get in a liter.  

Well that's this week's post, there's about two more weeks left in the month.  Get out there and enjoy the summer.  Next week!  And for those wondering, I didn't like MTV's Real World, watched one or two episodes and that was it.

Fear...

 Fear, that was what I was thinking about during my run today.  To be honest with myself, I ran last Sunday and then I put on my running gear twice later last week, but could not make myself get on the treadmill or head out the door.  Last Wednesday I used the excuse of not being able to find my heart monitor to not run.  So while I was running today I was thinking.  Why can't I get motivated to run?  Slowly the thoughts of what if I can't complete the 26.2 miles?  What if I have once again bitten off more than I can chew?  All I can answer is that I have noticed in the past two years I have come so close to reaching a couple of my goals, only to sabotage myself.  I have come 5 pounds away from reaching my weight loss goal only to become careless and lazy.  I would step on the scale but felt powerless to stop the gain, like it was a train coming to cross the tracks.  When I step back and look at the whole picture, I know I've done this to myself.  I know that I love the taste of food.  I know that I comfort myself with food.  And I know I love chocolate!  So I told myself today that I can fail and if I don't get serious about my training I will fail.  If I fail it will be one more thing to add to the list of "things I wanted to do" but couldn't.  Even then I gave myself permission to fail.  I have decided that I have already won in other ways.  How many have run 3 half marathons?  How many signed up for the Back2Back Challenge?  I haven't conquered those fears, I think part of me fears the loneliness of what I envision this race will be.  Part of me is afraid that Ali will again not be able to come home with me and that makes more lonely and sad.

   I need to quit looking at what I have not done and look at all the things I have done.  As I was hanging on my inversion table, my eye caught a glimpse of the photos of Ali and I in the last few weeks in Albuquerque.  I've been to the Grand Canyon, a place I've wanted to see since I was a child.  I've been up in a hot air balloon, something I've wanted to do since someone from the past went up in one.  I've run numbers of organized races and virtual races and I'm still excited every time I look at my medals and bibs.  I have two beautiful grand children, so in many ways I'm very blessed.  I guess this week it's my turn to reflect on the big milestone that awaits me in 12 days.  I have so much more I want to do and today I realized I'm not perfect, I can't do everything, but that doesn't mean I won't try.  So the next few weeks I'll set my sights on completing the "You Always Had the Power Challenge" and try not to worry so much about the 26.2 miles that await me.  If I have to walk a third, half or even more of it, that will be okay.  If I can't complete it, I won't be happy, but I will live and I will sign up to do another one.  I guess I realized that there is always another marathon around the corner.  I really want to finish this one in October, but if I can't the marathon will stay on my bucket list and I WILL try again.

I know this much, I will be okay.  If I fall, I will get up.  I will dust myself off and keep moving forward.  I'm going to try not to look back so much and forgive myself for all the past mistakes.  And you know I will worry about being alone while running, but a small part of me will be okay knowing that somewhere on the road, Chris and Sylvia are running or have run also.  Life can knock you down and knock the wind out of you, but you only lose when you don't get up.  There's a running quote that goes something like: "Dead Last Finish is Greater Than Did Not Finish, Which Trumps Did Not Start."  Unknown

I will get up and I will start.  Til next week, let's do this!

Lazy, lazy, lazy

So I didn't post last week and that's because I basically didn't do anything last week but sit and eat!  I keep telling myself, "tomorrow".  But if I continue this way I'm going to mess around and end up in real trouble!  I do this all the time and I'm not really sure why.  I sabotage myself.  I put things off and say later and then before I know it, it's too late to save the project or whatever on time.  Now I've messed around and wasted two weeks of my already condensed marathon training because of shear laziness.  That's all it is.  I can't get myself out of bed at 4:30 in the morning now.  I know that I CAN do it because I've done it before.  But lately I've been wanting to lay in bed and sleep.  Everything aches and it's too damn hot.  These are the excuses I've been using for the last two weeks.  My eating has been crappy, I'm gaining more weight and the cycle continues.  So I made myself sit down to write a blog post today.  I skipped last week because I didn't want to admit to anyone that I've not been training the way I should.  I went in to the running store we have on Friday and bought a new charging cord for my old Garmin, so it's now up and working again correctly, no more excuse there.  I also bought a blinking light so I can be seen by drivers when I run in the dark.  That gets rid of that excuse.. They told me they had some "headlights" on order, what ever the heck those are.  So I'm planning on researching that item.  I have the added problem of being overly ungraceful and tend to fall on my face a lot.  I don't like running in the dark because of that.  So any one have any ideas on how to get out of this funk?  Or any helpful tips on running in the dark?   I plan on having Ahtesham run with me at least one day a week.  We don't really spend any time together and let me tell you, he could use a little time off the couch too.  Not meaning that he's gaining weight, but meaning that I've noticed lately that he is spending a lot of time lately staring at the computer or the t.v. screen.  That isn't healthy for anyone.  I've also told myself that I will do at least 30 minutes of some type of exercise every day.  I already know that I'm going to walk some of the marathon that I'm training to do.  I've always used the run/walk/run method of training and it doesn't bother me to say I do that.  I see it as I'm improving every time I get out the door and it doesn't matter how I get it done as long as I get it done.  I have no time goal set for this marathon.  All I care about is finishing.  So why can't I get myself off the couch?  The answer to that question is unclear.  So that's my post for this week.  If you find yourself with a few free minutes this week and you are bored, pop over to my Facebook page and ask me if I've workout today.   This is going to be one long summer and I need all the pushing I can get.  Til next week!

Square Peg; Round Hole

This post isn't so much about running, it's more about the way I've been feeling lately.  But I did run more miles last week than I did the week before and this week is the official start to my marathon training.

So what have I been thinking lately?  Imagine that you have everything you need to make you happy, but you want someone you love to be happy.  So you take a huge leap of faith that all will be okay and you pack up and move hundreds of miles away from family.  You move to a place where you have some family and you at least know someone, but you do this so you and your spouse can grow and have a chance for a better life.  You do this thinking, it's only temporary and that when you have accomplished all you need there you can move somewhere closer to everyone or somewhere you've always wanted to go.  The years pass, you reach your goal and you realize that things can't stay the way are anymore. You've missed many important events and you even are starting to miss relative, all of them.  One day your spouse comes home and you are picked up and placed new and exciting home, but told "Don't get comfortable, we won't be here long."  And you are then picked up and placed in a strange world, that is different.  You know no one, only your spouse.  You don't speak the language and you get lost just trying to go to the store.  You spend many, many days alone trying to find a way to fit in and belong.  I've spent the last two plus years here in El Paso, Texas trying to fit in and belong.  I'm constantly criticized for not being able to speak Spanish.  Constantly told that if I live in El Paso, I should know Spanish or that I need to start learning it now.  I'm made to feel like a bad nurse because I don't know Spanish and I realized this weekend that I'm making myself crazy by listening to all the horrible things that others have said to me.  As I sit here today I have less than a handful of people that I know and would call friends.  And of those I'm not sure I would feel comfortable calling any of them if I were in trouble for help.    I realized that it is a very lonely way to live.  It makes me sad.  I wanted my husband to be happy, I wanted him to follow his dreams.  I never dreamed that this desire for him to be happy would lead to this and that being in here in El Paso would be permanent.  I have everything I need, I actually have more than I need.  To make matters worse, as I sit here and type this blog post I know that Ahtesham has given up so much more than I have for my happiness.  It makes me smile just a little knowing that we are both so busy trying to make sure that the other is happy, I think sometimes we're making each other miserable.  I don't know how to fix the situation and I'm not sure that it really needs to be fixed.  Some days I think it's me that needs to be "fixed" and some days I think, maybe this is only temporary.  Either way, I know that I don't want to be a "round peg".  I'm okay being the "square peg", I can be different.  I just need to learn to breath and except that I'm different and somehow love the fact that I am a "square peg".
Now to bring this blog post back to the subject of running.  I guess if I were asked "Why do you run?" The first reason would have to be free.  Free from having to be a "round peg."

 I'm blessed.  I have food to eat, a place to live, someone who loves me the way I am, and a job that pays the bills.  Why in the world would I even think about being a "round peg"?  As lonely as this gets sometimes, why would I dream of being the same as everyone else?

I get frustrated and sometimes forget how blessed I am

Last Saturday, Ahtesham and I were sorta watching CNN while he was reading for classes and I was studying my  BLS stuff.  We were watching a piece on the young man that did the shooting.  I was a picture of him holding up a set of BMW keys.  Then I turned to Ahtesham and said "I don't even have a BMW!"  He says to me without missing a beat "Do you want one?"  I looked at him and said, "Why, would you buy me one?"  Again without missing a beat his answer came, "Yes."  Still staring at him, I asked "Why?"  The answer that came surprised me, but it was just the beginning of a thought provoking week.  Ahtesham's answered as he looked up at me from his nursing booking, "Because I love you."  And then he returned to his studies.  I've been thinking about my up coming training and how large the task before me is.  I've been trying to cut the task up into smaller parts to make it easier to tackle.  I have also been feeling very alone on the path to my goal.  No one that I know wants or likes to travel alone.  I just feel like even if I do all of the training alone, if I know someone is out there training as well I will know that I'm not suffering alone.  The old adage applies here "misery loves company".  I guess I also have been thinking about the race as well.  A small part of me fears that Ahtesham will not be able to be there for the race.  In the back of my mind I know that it is a real possibility, he will still be in classes for his nursing degree.  And I know I don't want to cross the finish line and not have him there.  I just don't.  That plus the all the things mentioned in my last blog have really made it so easy to sit on the couch.  I guess I've been sitting around the last month feeling sorry for myself and I don't know why.  Maybe part of it is change.  I don't like change.  I don't think anyone likes change.  Change is scary and who likes to be scared?  Since the beginning of the year my life has been in constant change, but my changes can be dealt with and I can over come them.   I know my changes are sorta good and all of them will not be forever.  So I guess the point of this blog is that I am blessed.  I know I'm blessed and I need to stop sitting here on the couch and start moving.  My goal is mine and the long and short of it is I'm running a marathon for me.  Not my husband, my cousins, or any of my family.  Yes, I'll be disappointed if Ahtesham is not there at the finish line, but I'll be more disappointed if I don't cross the finish line.  So I intend to blog once or twice a month as I train for my marathon.  If you choose, I'd love to have you follow a long my journey of training and I'm sure cursing.   I need all the cheerleaders and support I can get!  

26.2 miles, 50 Years, and dreams

I started my summer with an idea.  That became a dream and that dream became a goal.  I now have a goal that will become a reality at the end of the summer.  I have come to the realization that if I change the dates and say "oh, I'll do the Dallas, or I'll do the El Paso Ultra marathon", I'll never complete a marathon.  I know for some it will be hard to understand why and for others they will see the "line in the sand" quite clearly. What am I trying to say here?  Well I guess what it all boils down to is this.  I spent a whole week thinking about my goal of running 26.2 miles and how much of a toll that would take on my body.  I was scaring myself and tried to rationalize taking a few extra months to train.  Then I started to remember all the lofty goals that came before and how close I got only to fail before making the final goal.  So after several days and nights I have decided the following.  I have drawn my line in the sand here.  My Line will be a full marathon in October of 2014.  I know that I need to train and train hard and consistently.  I know I need to drop more than a few pounds.  I know that the summer is the wrong time of the year to start training for such a large goal, but if not now, then when?   After bouncing back and forth for seven days and arguing with my inner self, I am not backing down.  I will be 50 in July of 2014 and I am running a full marathon on 12 October 2014.  I'm not changing my mind.  If you don't understand or think I'm just plain nuts, I ask only that you keep your thoughts to yourself.  If you can't support me, then stay out of my way.  And I really don't want people to think I'm being rude by making those two statements, I just want everyone to understand how serious I am about this.  If you are not a runner it's hard to explain "running".  I have my eye on the horizon and a goal.  It's my dream.  It's a journey I will have to make alone and I am okay with this.  I may fail in October and if I do then I will step back and look at other options.  With that said I dedicate the summer training and marathon to my children and my grand-daughters.  I want them all to know.  "She believed she could, so she did." There will come a time when you will have to make a choice to stand your ground and not back down.  I hope I make you proud.  Love you all, Mom.  T

Vacation, breaks and taking it easy.

     This past week I took my finals for the two classes I was taking this Spring semester and I'm now ready to take a small break from my college classes.  I have one more class that I will take before beginning the nursing program to complete my BSN.  Pathophysiology isn't really needed unless I do the "sit in class" program or I go on to finish my masters.  I haven't decided which type of BS program, either on line or class room, and I've not ruled out going on for my Masters yet either.   So I have decided that I will take the class so I won't have to scramble later for any route I choose.  So I have a few months that I won't have to crack open a college text book.  But that doesn't mean that I won't be studying something.   I sometimes think I just live to put too much on my plate.  Why?  I've decided that I want to become Med/Surg certified and I'm also looking into becoming Hospice certified as well.  I am also going to try and learn a little more Spanish to help with my work.  Somewhere up above my Grandmother Inez is smiling I'm sure because she always wanted us (her grand-children) to know how to converse with her.  So I think I place more on my own shoulders than any one else ever could.  I'm always pushing myself to do better and do more.  

     I haven't given up on my over all health or weight loss goals at this point, but I have decided to try to approach it from another angle, AGAIN, LOL.  I have to laugh because it seems on this subject I am in constant change.  I think I finally need to learn to love my body for what it is now and just work on getting healthy.  I'm not happy with the way my body looks.  I will never like all the "lumps and rolls" I have, but if I can't love me for me, I don't think I'll ever figure it out the getting healthy thing.  So I am going to try to learn to love my body and me the way I am now and work on just getting healthy.  I have taken steps on moving that way and I will continue to push myself to take more.  I want to try push myself to eat better, but I am not as knowledgeable as I would like in that area.  I know what I should eat and about portion control, but I lack the knowledge on making it filling and tasty.  I need to learn how to transition away from processed foods and make items that both my husband and I will both eat.  Plus making it convenient for my sometimes hectic life style.  I know I need to be lighter than I am now to run my full marathon in October so I will have a goal to lose some weight.  I also need to go in and have my body looked at to see if we can find the reason for being stiff and sore when I walk.  But I won't back down from the goal of completing 26.2 in October.  

    So with that said I need to get off my tushy and start moving again so I will spend part of my day today writing out my training plan and I plan on starting off with walking today.  So time to get busy again, that means my vacation and taking it easy is over!  Let's get busy!  Until next week!!! 

It's been a while!

 It's been almost a year since I've written on this blog.  I've not stopped running, but I haven't run as well as I've wanted either.  I've not stopped trying to lose weight but I've not reached my goal either.  I ran my third 1/2 marathon on Sunday, it wasn't pretty.  So I'm giving myself a few days to recuperate from that horrible run and then I need to get serious about my first full marathon.  I've decided that I'm not good about following through with plans, but I have also seen how ugly a run can be if you are not ready.  I need figure out how to stay on track for the next five months.  If I can't 26.2 miles in October is going to hurt.  This summer my cousins and I will celebrate a large mile stone.  The three of us will turn 50 during the summer.  Last summer as I was training I thought about what I wanted to accomplish the following year.  The fall was full of disappointments and the goals faded.  Our house was filled with changes as the new year began, but in February my goal of completing a full marathon peeked out on Valentine's day.  My husband asked what I wanted for the holiday.  I was searching the web at the time and was looking at the Prairie Fire's web page where they had announced a Back2Back challenge and so I replied to him, "I want to run a 1/2 marathon in May and a Full marathon in October.  I want to complete this challenge.  He then paid for my registration fee for the challenge and took me out to get me new shoes and equipment to get me started for my challenge.  I had a goal of being under 200 pounds for the spring race, my weight the day I left for the race was 202.  

Missed it by 3-4 pounds. I wanted to do well during the race, I ended up just being thankful to complete it.  While he could clear the road for me to take on the challenge, as much as he loves me he can not do the challenge for me.  I did have goals for the 1/2 marathon and I was close to meeting them, but still did not quite make them.  I'm frustrated by the fact that I can't reach my goals.  So I've spent the few days thinking about the fall race and what I wanted to accomplish for that race. (Believe me when you have to drive for 13 hours alone both ways you have plenty of time to think.)  First let me say sorry for being all over the place with this blog.  That's kind of the way that my mind has been going over the past weekend.  So having said that this is what I have decided.  In the fall I'd like to be a little lighter in the weight department and I will try to lose some of this weight.  The main reason is because 26 miles is a long way to go carrying around over 200 pounds, but I'm not going to give a specific amount.  I instead will pledge to eat better while training and allow myself one day a month to splurge.  So if I weight less than 202 pounds on October 14,2014, it will be a goal reached.  I also will not give myself a time goal for the race.  Well, I want to finish before the 7 hour deadline set by the Prairie Fire race, after 7 hours they will no longer keep the roads closed for you.

So any time before 7 hours will be a win for me.  I'm not going to back down from the full marathon challenge, I will complete it.  Yes, I know that 26.2 miles is NOT a walk in the park.  Yes, I understand that by the end of the race I will be a total mess.  I've had several tell me that it's okay to lower my goal, that I should do another 1/2, but I'm not backing down from the 26.  I can and I will stand up and face the beast.  I may not conquer the beast with style and grace, but I will conquer the beast.  The 26.2 is my choice, I know the risks, I also know I'm tired of backing down. I will officially begin my training on Sunday 11 May 2014.  I will do my best to blog about the training, the race that I just completed and a lot of other mindless stuff.  Help keep me on track and push me while I reach deep down and push myself this summer.  What is your dream?   Grab a dream and come chase it with me!