Square Peg; Round Hole

This post isn't so much about running, it's more about the way I've been feeling lately.  But I did run more miles last week than I did the week before and this week is the official start to my marathon training.

So what have I been thinking lately?  Imagine that you have everything you need to make you happy, but you want someone you love to be happy.  So you take a huge leap of faith that all will be okay and you pack up and move hundreds of miles away from family.  You move to a place where you have some family and you at least know someone, but you do this so you and your spouse can grow and have a chance for a better life.  You do this thinking, it's only temporary and that when you have accomplished all you need there you can move somewhere closer to everyone or somewhere you've always wanted to go.  The years pass, you reach your goal and you realize that things can't stay the way are anymore. You've missed many important events and you even are starting to miss relative, all of them.  One day your spouse comes home and you are picked up and placed new and exciting home, but told "Don't get comfortable, we won't be here long."  And you are then picked up and placed in a strange world, that is different.  You know no one, only your spouse.  You don't speak the language and you get lost just trying to go to the store.  You spend many, many days alone trying to find a way to fit in and belong.  I've spent the last two plus years here in El Paso, Texas trying to fit in and belong.  I'm constantly criticized for not being able to speak Spanish.  Constantly told that if I live in El Paso, I should know Spanish or that I need to start learning it now.  I'm made to feel like a bad nurse because I don't know Spanish and I realized this weekend that I'm making myself crazy by listening to all the horrible things that others have said to me.  As I sit here today I have less than a handful of people that I know and would call friends.  And of those I'm not sure I would feel comfortable calling any of them if I were in trouble for help.    I realized that it is a very lonely way to live.  It makes me sad.  I wanted my husband to be happy, I wanted him to follow his dreams.  I never dreamed that this desire for him to be happy would lead to this and that being in here in El Paso would be permanent.  I have everything I need, I actually have more than I need.  To make matters worse, as I sit here and type this blog post I know that Ahtesham has given up so much more than I have for my happiness.  It makes me smile just a little knowing that we are both so busy trying to make sure that the other is happy, I think sometimes we're making each other miserable.  I don't know how to fix the situation and I'm not sure that it really needs to be fixed.  Some days I think it's me that needs to be "fixed" and some days I think, maybe this is only temporary.  Either way, I know that I don't want to be a "round peg".  I'm okay being the "square peg", I can be different.  I just need to learn to breath and except that I'm different and somehow love the fact that I am a "square peg".
Now to bring this blog post back to the subject of running.  I guess if I were asked "Why do you run?" The first reason would have to be free.  Free from having to be a "round peg."

 I'm blessed.  I have food to eat, a place to live, someone who loves me the way I am, and a job that pays the bills.  Why in the world would I even think about being a "round peg"?  As lonely as this gets sometimes, why would I dream of being the same as everyone else?