Week 55 - Step 2: Faith

 Week 55 already.  My weigh in went well, I did drop two pounds, so that puts me in the 174 range somewhere.  I didn't write it down, again.  And the weekend went down hill fairly quickly after that.  It's been a busy week for me and my husband, I haven't seen him much in the past two weeks.  That always makes me sad.  Plus the time is going by faster and faster and I still have so much I want to accomplish before 5 May 2013 as well as needing to get my runs in to be able to do that run.  I've looked up the 12 steps in the 12 step program and step number two is FAITH.  The first step is Honesty, I believe that I have been honest with myself and I know that I have many issues with food.  The second step is kind of ironic for this week.  Having faith that it will and can work will be a hard one to do.  Faith in general is hard if you stop and think about it.  But I know that many others have used the 12 step program and that it has worked for many people as well.  So my goal for this week is to have faith in me and the higher powers that I can beat food.  To be honest though, I didn't log my food today.  But as I said before this weekend wasn't a good one.  My husband was in a hit and run accident on Saturday.  It could have been worse and for the fact that he is fine I am grateful.  But then I heard or read some even sadder news and I haven't been able to shake the sadness away.  A fellow runner, a coach, a friend that I have not met lost his child that same evening, about the same time.  I bought up old feelings that I thought I had buried and dealt with long ago.  I guess this weekend is proof that some wounds never heal, they just scab over and are over looked.  For all that is right in my world, I am ever so grateful.  For all that is wrong in my friends world I am saddened, I know I can't ease his or his families pain.  I can only sit here and remember and look back at the road that I have walked.  I know that in the months and years ahead he and his family will find their way, but I hurt for them now.  I too send my deepest condolences to Zen Runner and his family.  So in the words of a beautiful song that keeps repeating in my head........"I look to you"....... 

Week 54 - Yo, Yo Effect!

I go up.  I go down.  I go up.....I've been in the 170's so long I think that I belong here.  Some days I just want to give up and stay here.  The lazy me whispers in my ear, "Hey, it's a lot less than you used to weigh!", but healthier me pushes her away.  The health me points to the pictures of dresses that I want to wear for a wedding in October or the picture of the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon finish line.  I know what my goals are, I know what I want.  Why then do I listen to that little voice that tells me "just one piece of chocolate"?  And of course that "one" piece always becomes two, then three, if I've already blown the day, might as well just blow the whole day, right?  I really have to learn how to break this cycle.  I have to learn to say no to that little voice wanting just one piece of candy.  So, no this was not a good weigh in week with JC.  I gained 2 pounds, I didn't even write the number down.  I thought about calling my consultant to ask for the number, but I just haven't the heart to do it.  It's getting to the point where I don't want to celebrate the good weeks, because I'm almost positive I'll follow it up with a gain again!  I guess I will have to do some soul searching this week and try to find alternatives for my food binges.  When I have a good week, I celebrate by letting myself have one "free" day.  When I have a bad week, I sulk and drown myself in self pity for two or three days with binge eating....neither does me any good.  Either way I spend days trying to reverse the damage I've done with all the bad things I've shoved into my mouth.  Being an addict is hard.  It's not an affliction I would wish on anyone.  As I sit here, I wonder.  Would I do better if I were to just wear a label that stated, "I'm an addict!  Please don't feed me!"  There are worse labels I could wear.  Being a food addict is not the worst I could be.  They say admitting you have a problem is the first step.  Well I've said it before and I'll say it again and again until I can get it under control.  What's the next step?   I am addicted to food!  Maybe I'll figure out a way to make me a button to wear, can't hurt.  What IS the next step???
Well that's it for this week, until Friday.  Keep moving everyone~ Darcy

Week 53 ~ Finding time, A Pep talk to me.

Well, I can't believe I missed another week.  I've never really thought of myself as a busy person.  Even when I was raising three children and going to school, I always felt like I had enough time.  But here lately I feel like I'm always running out of time.  The past two weeks have been crazy busy, but they are past and now I'm trying to get my mind set on focusing on this up coming race.  I did go in for my weigh in and in the past two weeks I have lost 4 pounds. My new number this week 173.4.  I fell off the diet wagon this weekend and I'm struggling to get back on it this morning.  I didn't even get my runs in this week and I'm beginning to wonder if I can salvage the marathon at this point.  I'm not willing to give up yet, but I know that if I don't' get serious and soon, I will be hurting in May if I choose to run 13.1.  So what side tracked me this week?  This week my husband again spoiled me and we went to Dallas/Fort Worth to buy a new car on Wednesday.  I've been doing my long runs on Wednesday lately because it just seemed to "fit" better on that day.  It took all day to drive back and Thursday was a really bad day at work and I didn't get home until 11:00pm.  I still haven't been able to make myself get up and workout before work like I did last summer when I was training.  So now I'm beginning to wonder if I have the commitment that I need to even run anymore.  I have my goals, I know my goals, and these haven't changed.  So today I am going to print out the photos of couple dresses that I would like to wear to the wedding in October and place them on the mirror in the bathroom, refrigerator door and this computer.  I'm starting my list of things to get ready for May and then I will work on a schedule.  So the question this week to my inner self is "How bad do you want this?"  I guess it's time to see, how bad I really want my goals.  I do think I look better than I did a year and a half ago when Ahtesham bought me the last car, but I still want to look better.  No one can do this for me, no one can exercise and put the miles in but me.  This is where I have to stand up and take responsibility for my goals and reaching them.  Let's do this thing!  Why?  Because I want to look even better when I finish my next 1/2 marathon.  And I want to look damn good when I go to Dallas for the wedding in October!  This is for ME!  Til next week, keep moving. ~ Darcy