Fear...

 Fear, that was what I was thinking about during my run today.  To be honest with myself, I ran last Sunday and then I put on my running gear twice later last week, but could not make myself get on the treadmill or head out the door.  Last Wednesday I used the excuse of not being able to find my heart monitor to not run.  So while I was running today I was thinking.  Why can't I get motivated to run?  Slowly the thoughts of what if I can't complete the 26.2 miles?  What if I have once again bitten off more than I can chew?  All I can answer is that I have noticed in the past two years I have come so close to reaching a couple of my goals, only to sabotage myself.  I have come 5 pounds away from reaching my weight loss goal only to become careless and lazy.  I would step on the scale but felt powerless to stop the gain, like it was a train coming to cross the tracks.  When I step back and look at the whole picture, I know I've done this to myself.  I know that I love the taste of food.  I know that I comfort myself with food.  And I know I love chocolate!  So I told myself today that I can fail and if I don't get serious about my training I will fail.  If I fail it will be one more thing to add to the list of "things I wanted to do" but couldn't.  Even then I gave myself permission to fail.  I have decided that I have already won in other ways.  How many have run 3 half marathons?  How many signed up for the Back2Back Challenge?  I haven't conquered those fears, I think part of me fears the loneliness of what I envision this race will be.  Part of me is afraid that Ali will again not be able to come home with me and that makes more lonely and sad.

   I need to quit looking at what I have not done and look at all the things I have done.  As I was hanging on my inversion table, my eye caught a glimpse of the photos of Ali and I in the last few weeks in Albuquerque.  I've been to the Grand Canyon, a place I've wanted to see since I was a child.  I've been up in a hot air balloon, something I've wanted to do since someone from the past went up in one.  I've run numbers of organized races and virtual races and I'm still excited every time I look at my medals and bibs.  I have two beautiful grand children, so in many ways I'm very blessed.  I guess this week it's my turn to reflect on the big milestone that awaits me in 12 days.  I have so much more I want to do and today I realized I'm not perfect, I can't do everything, but that doesn't mean I won't try.  So the next few weeks I'll set my sights on completing the "You Always Had the Power Challenge" and try not to worry so much about the 26.2 miles that await me.  If I have to walk a third, half or even more of it, that will be okay.  If I can't complete it, I won't be happy, but I will live and I will sign up to do another one.  I guess I realized that there is always another marathon around the corner.  I really want to finish this one in October, but if I can't the marathon will stay on my bucket list and I WILL try again.

I know this much, I will be okay.  If I fall, I will get up.  I will dust myself off and keep moving forward.  I'm going to try not to look back so much and forgive myself for all the past mistakes.  And you know I will worry about being alone while running, but a small part of me will be okay knowing that somewhere on the road, Chris and Sylvia are running or have run also.  Life can knock you down and knock the wind out of you, but you only lose when you don't get up.  There's a running quote that goes something like: "Dead Last Finish is Greater Than Did Not Finish, Which Trumps Did Not Start."  Unknown

I will get up and I will start.  Til next week, let's do this!

Lazy, lazy, lazy

So I didn't post last week and that's because I basically didn't do anything last week but sit and eat!  I keep telling myself, "tomorrow".  But if I continue this way I'm going to mess around and end up in real trouble!  I do this all the time and I'm not really sure why.  I sabotage myself.  I put things off and say later and then before I know it, it's too late to save the project or whatever on time.  Now I've messed around and wasted two weeks of my already condensed marathon training because of shear laziness.  That's all it is.  I can't get myself out of bed at 4:30 in the morning now.  I know that I CAN do it because I've done it before.  But lately I've been wanting to lay in bed and sleep.  Everything aches and it's too damn hot.  These are the excuses I've been using for the last two weeks.  My eating has been crappy, I'm gaining more weight and the cycle continues.  So I made myself sit down to write a blog post today.  I skipped last week because I didn't want to admit to anyone that I've not been training the way I should.  I went in to the running store we have on Friday and bought a new charging cord for my old Garmin, so it's now up and working again correctly, no more excuse there.  I also bought a blinking light so I can be seen by drivers when I run in the dark.  That gets rid of that excuse.. They told me they had some "headlights" on order, what ever the heck those are.  So I'm planning on researching that item.  I have the added problem of being overly ungraceful and tend to fall on my face a lot.  I don't like running in the dark because of that.  So any one have any ideas on how to get out of this funk?  Or any helpful tips on running in the dark?   I plan on having Ahtesham run with me at least one day a week.  We don't really spend any time together and let me tell you, he could use a little time off the couch too.  Not meaning that he's gaining weight, but meaning that I've noticed lately that he is spending a lot of time lately staring at the computer or the t.v. screen.  That isn't healthy for anyone.  I've also told myself that I will do at least 30 minutes of some type of exercise every day.  I already know that I'm going to walk some of the marathon that I'm training to do.  I've always used the run/walk/run method of training and it doesn't bother me to say I do that.  I see it as I'm improving every time I get out the door and it doesn't matter how I get it done as long as I get it done.  I have no time goal set for this marathon.  All I care about is finishing.  So why can't I get myself off the couch?  The answer to that question is unclear.  So that's my post for this week.  If you find yourself with a few free minutes this week and you are bored, pop over to my Facebook page and ask me if I've workout today.   This is going to be one long summer and I need all the pushing I can get.  Til next week!

Square Peg; Round Hole

This post isn't so much about running, it's more about the way I've been feeling lately.  But I did run more miles last week than I did the week before and this week is the official start to my marathon training.

So what have I been thinking lately?  Imagine that you have everything you need to make you happy, but you want someone you love to be happy.  So you take a huge leap of faith that all will be okay and you pack up and move hundreds of miles away from family.  You move to a place where you have some family and you at least know someone, but you do this so you and your spouse can grow and have a chance for a better life.  You do this thinking, it's only temporary and that when you have accomplished all you need there you can move somewhere closer to everyone or somewhere you've always wanted to go.  The years pass, you reach your goal and you realize that things can't stay the way are anymore. You've missed many important events and you even are starting to miss relative, all of them.  One day your spouse comes home and you are picked up and placed new and exciting home, but told "Don't get comfortable, we won't be here long."  And you are then picked up and placed in a strange world, that is different.  You know no one, only your spouse.  You don't speak the language and you get lost just trying to go to the store.  You spend many, many days alone trying to find a way to fit in and belong.  I've spent the last two plus years here in El Paso, Texas trying to fit in and belong.  I'm constantly criticized for not being able to speak Spanish.  Constantly told that if I live in El Paso, I should know Spanish or that I need to start learning it now.  I'm made to feel like a bad nurse because I don't know Spanish and I realized this weekend that I'm making myself crazy by listening to all the horrible things that others have said to me.  As I sit here today I have less than a handful of people that I know and would call friends.  And of those I'm not sure I would feel comfortable calling any of them if I were in trouble for help.    I realized that it is a very lonely way to live.  It makes me sad.  I wanted my husband to be happy, I wanted him to follow his dreams.  I never dreamed that this desire for him to be happy would lead to this and that being in here in El Paso would be permanent.  I have everything I need, I actually have more than I need.  To make matters worse, as I sit here and type this blog post I know that Ahtesham has given up so much more than I have for my happiness.  It makes me smile just a little knowing that we are both so busy trying to make sure that the other is happy, I think sometimes we're making each other miserable.  I don't know how to fix the situation and I'm not sure that it really needs to be fixed.  Some days I think it's me that needs to be "fixed" and some days I think, maybe this is only temporary.  Either way, I know that I don't want to be a "round peg".  I'm okay being the "square peg", I can be different.  I just need to learn to breath and except that I'm different and somehow love the fact that I am a "square peg".
Now to bring this blog post back to the subject of running.  I guess if I were asked "Why do you run?" The first reason would have to be free.  Free from having to be a "round peg."

 I'm blessed.  I have food to eat, a place to live, someone who loves me the way I am, and a job that pays the bills.  Why in the world would I even think about being a "round peg"?  As lonely as this gets sometimes, why would I dream of being the same as everyone else?

I get frustrated and sometimes forget how blessed I am

Last Saturday, Ahtesham and I were sorta watching CNN while he was reading for classes and I was studying my  BLS stuff.  We were watching a piece on the young man that did the shooting.  I was a picture of him holding up a set of BMW keys.  Then I turned to Ahtesham and said "I don't even have a BMW!"  He says to me without missing a beat "Do you want one?"  I looked at him and said, "Why, would you buy me one?"  Again without missing a beat his answer came, "Yes."  Still staring at him, I asked "Why?"  The answer that came surprised me, but it was just the beginning of a thought provoking week.  Ahtesham's answered as he looked up at me from his nursing booking, "Because I love you."  And then he returned to his studies.  I've been thinking about my up coming training and how large the task before me is.  I've been trying to cut the task up into smaller parts to make it easier to tackle.  I have also been feeling very alone on the path to my goal.  No one that I know wants or likes to travel alone.  I just feel like even if I do all of the training alone, if I know someone is out there training as well I will know that I'm not suffering alone.  The old adage applies here "misery loves company".  I guess I also have been thinking about the race as well.  A small part of me fears that Ahtesham will not be able to be there for the race.  In the back of my mind I know that it is a real possibility, he will still be in classes for his nursing degree.  And I know I don't want to cross the finish line and not have him there.  I just don't.  That plus the all the things mentioned in my last blog have really made it so easy to sit on the couch.  I guess I've been sitting around the last month feeling sorry for myself and I don't know why.  Maybe part of it is change.  I don't like change.  I don't think anyone likes change.  Change is scary and who likes to be scared?  Since the beginning of the year my life has been in constant change, but my changes can be dealt with and I can over come them.   I know my changes are sorta good and all of them will not be forever.  So I guess the point of this blog is that I am blessed.  I know I'm blessed and I need to stop sitting here on the couch and start moving.  My goal is mine and the long and short of it is I'm running a marathon for me.  Not my husband, my cousins, or any of my family.  Yes, I'll be disappointed if Ahtesham is not there at the finish line, but I'll be more disappointed if I don't cross the finish line.  So I intend to blog once or twice a month as I train for my marathon.  If you choose, I'd love to have you follow a long my journey of training and I'm sure cursing.   I need all the cheerleaders and support I can get!