Week 41 Someone just push me!

When I hit the bottom maybe I'll turn it all around.  Wow, I thought I was ready to start climbing back up, but I guess I was wrong.  The numbers for this week's weigh in were just down right embarrassing.  171.2 and that my friends is a 7+ weight gain in one week!  I know that there is someone out there thinking that is just not possible.  It has to be mostly water weight.  I'm sitting here thinking, if I tell myself that I will never get back on track again.  Yes, it's possible to gain almost 10 pounds in a week, it has to be, I've done it this week!  I can no longer sit and think it's okay to have one M&M, one cookie, one dinner out.  I know I have discussed this before, but I have to finally face myself and say the one thing that I don't want to hear.  "Darcy, you will never be able to eat what ever you want and not have to worry about your weight!"  Every bite, every indiscretion will cost me something.  I am never going to be one of those people that can eat what ever they want and not worry.  The sad reality of this is finally sinking in.  I may run, I may even enjoy running and I might keep running for as long as my body will let me.  But just because I run, I still don't get to eat what ever I want.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I still had this dream that I could run 3 or 4 miles three times a week and then I could eat cake, ice cream, cookies, and pie.  My body doesn't work that way.  I have to let that dream go.  Face the fact that if I want to be a healthier weight, I will always have to watch and count the calories.  That the things that taste oh so good are gone forever.  That I can't do the "oh just one" thing anymore.  I'm sad.  I love food, I like to eat.  I am just like anyone else.  Family get together and food.  Celebrations and food.  The way we celebrate and show our friends and family that we care seems to always involve food.  I am feeling more and more like the addict that has to say no to the alcohol.  Like I must forever stand on the other side of the kitchen and just look through the glass at a bakery.  If I give myself permission to have "just one", it's never just one.  So, what's the answer?  What is the plan?  Well for me it will have to be, sticking to the plan.  Never having that one sweet.  Not going out to dinner with my husband, and saying no to just give it one taste.  I will endeavor to sit across from him at the dinner table and just watch him enjoy the foods that I would love to eat.  As harsh as that sounds, that is the way it has to be for right now.  I know that some are thinking if you deprive yourself, it will only make you want it worse.  Then when you do fall, you will eat and eat and eat.  That is a risk I have to take.  I don't want to be fat.  I want to wear cute clothes.  I want to look good wearing these clothes.  I want to feel better about myself and my looks.  So there it is in black and white.  I'm an addict and I can't be trusted with food. 

  As for my running this week, I did get in three runs and I did do core workouts, but not near enough to off set the junk that I was eating and drinking.  I still plan to run the 5K this coming Saturday, although now I'm not so sure of myself.  I am beginning to feel like 3.2 miles is a long run again.  I will have the elements to work against as well as some hills.  How ever bad I do, it will be no one's fault but my own.  I didn't get serious about my training, I didn't put the effort into it.  ME.  So there is my week 41, it's sad.  Let me just say a small prayer here that this is the rock bottom.  And that next week will be a better week!  Til then, keep moving~ Darcy