Week 42 ~ Jingle Bell Run

Well this week was another gain.  Only 0.6 pound but still another gain.  My new number 171.8.  Did I follow the plan?  Not all week.  Did I exercise?  Not as much as I should have.  So am I happy with this number?  Yes, it's what I earned this week.  I would guess that I'm happy it wasn't a larger gain.  This is exactly what I told my consultant.  I haven't been the best of clients the past few months.  There has been a lot going on in my little world, but that is all just an excuse.  I've let myself slip back into old habits that are comfortable.  Which is such a big pain, if the old adage that it takes 30 days to make a habit is true.  Then I am standing at the bottom of a 30 day hill and I need to start walking/running up that hill again.  Why do we let ourselves slip?  I firmly believe that it only takes three days at most to break a habit, maybe even less.  When I look back at the past year, I worked so hard to gain the ground that I had.  If I had been making  a quilt, embroidering a shirt, or cleaning at home, I would never dream of destroying all the work I had done.  Would it not be just as easy to cut up the crafts I had done or just sit done and watch TV or play on computer and not finish cleaning.  So I guess I need to start thinking of my weight loss in that aspect.  I really don't know what the answer is.  I wish I knew all the answers and could give those of you out there the "secret".  Sitting here I guess that the secret is that you have to want it.  Want it more than anything else you've ever wanted.  It is something that you have to work at every day.  The past three weeks have taught me a lesson.  You can do a lot of damage by just giving up and giving in.  So my pledge for next week?  Yes, Christmas in on Tuesday, but I still need to pledge on what I will do.  I will spend part of the day with a new friend here in El Paso, because Ahtesham will work that night before and that evening.  I will pledge to run at least one mile every day and do my three days of core workouts.    For the weight I have decided that if I just hold steady at the current weight, that's good enough for this week.  And yes I will be weighing in next Friday.               

My Race!  My Hills!!!!

Now for the exercise portion of my blog.  As you all well know by now, I ran a Jingle Bell 5K this morning.  Was I ready?  No, not really.  I have been really bad about logging "good" runs.  Looking back now I REALLY should have trained more with the hills and in the colder air.  But let me start at the beginning.  It was so cold this morning.  It felt much colder than the 37 degrees the weather app was telling me it was.  And I swear that while I was walking around waiting for the start, it felt like the temperature was dropping.  I've never run in a race that was quite this small, but it was still a lot of fun.  Ahthesham "forgot" that the run was this weekend, so I was by myself.  They started the 5K and the one mile walkers at the same time, so I had a hard time trying to figure out where to place myself in the line up.  I think I ended up a little to far up front, but it's okay.  I didn't end up getting in any one's way.  I forgot to start my Gymboss and by the time I realized that I hadn't started it I had run almost a complete mile.  My Garmin said something like 0.92 I think.  That's also when I realized that I hadn't done enough hill training.  The first mile of the course had a little of incline, but when I looked at the hill we were about to run up I thought to myself "UH OH!"  I also started seeing runners headed back about the time we were half way up the hill and thought okay the turn around has got to be close.  You'll be okay,  we'll get to the top and turn around and come back down.  Wrong!  Silly girl!  There were a few more hills before we looped around and then came back down.  My lungs were feeling the lack of hill training about the time we hit the down part of the that first hill.  And bout the time we hit the third hill, I kept thinking to myself, "No one will know if you just quit!"  No one is here that you know.  You can just walk off the course and go home!  But I would know, I would know that I quit.  This is what I told the inner demons that kept telling me to quit.  "You did this to yourself.  You did not take the training seriously.  You did not do your scheduled runs.  You did not run your hills.  You did not go outside and run when it was cold.  I'm glad I didn't quit.  By the time I hit the end of the second hill, I wasn't cold anymore!  I love the feeling of accomplishment you get when you cross a finish line.  I won't lie, I enjoy it better when there is someone waiting for me.  But this run, those hills, they were for me.  That large hill was MY hill!  I didn't quit!  I'm ready for another race!  Where do I sign up?  My cousin Christina Romero is so right when she tells me "That's what races do - keep us motivated."  Till next week, keep moving everyone!~ Darcy

 

Week 41 Someone just push me!

When I hit the bottom maybe I'll turn it all around.  Wow, I thought I was ready to start climbing back up, but I guess I was wrong.  The numbers for this week's weigh in were just down right embarrassing.  171.2 and that my friends is a 7+ weight gain in one week!  I know that there is someone out there thinking that is just not possible.  It has to be mostly water weight.  I'm sitting here thinking, if I tell myself that I will never get back on track again.  Yes, it's possible to gain almost 10 pounds in a week, it has to be, I've done it this week!  I can no longer sit and think it's okay to have one M&M, one cookie, one dinner out.  I know I have discussed this before, but I have to finally face myself and say the one thing that I don't want to hear.  "Darcy, you will never be able to eat what ever you want and not have to worry about your weight!"  Every bite, every indiscretion will cost me something.  I am never going to be one of those people that can eat what ever they want and not worry.  The sad reality of this is finally sinking in.  I may run, I may even enjoy running and I might keep running for as long as my body will let me.  But just because I run, I still don't get to eat what ever I want.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I still had this dream that I could run 3 or 4 miles three times a week and then I could eat cake, ice cream, cookies, and pie.  My body doesn't work that way.  I have to let that dream go.  Face the fact that if I want to be a healthier weight, I will always have to watch and count the calories.  That the things that taste oh so good are gone forever.  That I can't do the "oh just one" thing anymore.  I'm sad.  I love food, I like to eat.  I am just like anyone else.  Family get together and food.  Celebrations and food.  The way we celebrate and show our friends and family that we care seems to always involve food.  I am feeling more and more like the addict that has to say no to the alcohol.  Like I must forever stand on the other side of the kitchen and just look through the glass at a bakery.  If I give myself permission to have "just one", it's never just one.  So, what's the answer?  What is the plan?  Well for me it will have to be, sticking to the plan.  Never having that one sweet.  Not going out to dinner with my husband, and saying no to just give it one taste.  I will endeavor to sit across from him at the dinner table and just watch him enjoy the foods that I would love to eat.  As harsh as that sounds, that is the way it has to be for right now.  I know that some are thinking if you deprive yourself, it will only make you want it worse.  Then when you do fall, you will eat and eat and eat.  That is a risk I have to take.  I don't want to be fat.  I want to wear cute clothes.  I want to look good wearing these clothes.  I want to feel better about myself and my looks.  So there it is in black and white.  I'm an addict and I can't be trusted with food. 

  As for my running this week, I did get in three runs and I did do core workouts, but not near enough to off set the junk that I was eating and drinking.  I still plan to run the 5K this coming Saturday, although now I'm not so sure of myself.  I am beginning to feel like 3.2 miles is a long run again.  I will have the elements to work against as well as some hills.  How ever bad I do, it will be no one's fault but my own.  I didn't get serious about my training, I didn't put the effort into it.  ME.  So there is my week 41, it's sad.  Let me just say a small prayer here that this is the rock bottom.  And that next week will be a better week!  Til then, keep moving~ Darcy

Week 40 - Spinning

So week 40!  I went into my weigh in on Friday and haven't posted until today.  Mainly because I spent most of the weekend wallowing in self-pity.   I will explain, but first my weigh in.  I did post a drop, not sure how but I did of 0.6 pounds.  So my new number is 164.4.  I am actually happy with that considering all that transpired last week.  All I can say is the the world turns and will continue to turn even though we may wish it would stop, if only to let us catch our breath from time to time.  So let me explain the weekend of self-pity now.  On Thursday I turned in my two week notice at work.  I love being a nurse and enjoyed working at Del Sol Medical Center, but lately things had become difficult.  I was becoming very miserable at work and this was spilling over into all other aspects of my life.  So after talking with my husband and spending way too much thinking about the options, I decided that I am a good person and a good nurse.  I deserve to be happy and not have to spend every minute I'm a work worrying about what mistake I will make next or what new duty will be added to the floor nurse job.  After turning in my notice the director and I decided that I would be done on Friday would not go back to finish the two weeks.  What's better, they will pay me anyway for the two weeks.  That's a win, win in my book, my husband really wanted me to just quit.  I just didn't think that I could just walk in and I'm not coming back anymore, although secretly I really wanted to.  Even with that said I spent the weekend pondering the job and what it meant to me.   Wondering if I had failed again and if maybe I was being difficult and too demanding.  All of this boiled over into my consultation and I learned that day that my JC consultant really did care.  I am ready again to face the world and I'm very hopeful that I will not be out of a job that long.  I am also very hopeful that I can turn my weight loss and training back around now.  I truly believe that all the worry about work was affecting my whole life and was a  BIG part of why I could not lose any weight in the past few months.  My training has also taking a big hit as well.  I'm going to shake off those bad feelings and head towards my goals again.  I am registered for a race on the 22nd of December.  It's just a 5K, (I can't believe that I think just a 5K now), but I'm excited to get back out and run.                                                                                                             

        With that said my running was basically non-existent this past week.  I might have gotten in 7 miles total last week.  No I didn't get my one mile every day in, I didn't do my abs, arms and core.  Well, I did do one day, but for the most part I just sat!  I let the misery take over and have the front seat and then I just felt worse at the end of the week.  It's hard to understand why I let people or problems in my life have such control over me.  I've been told many times that I "wear my heart on my sleeve."  Is that a bag thing?  I don't believe so, I really want to do the best I can in this world.  I aim to do no harm to anyone that I meet in life and to try and make the world a better place than when I found it.  Some days it feels like the world is spinning faster than it should.  I feel like things get out of my control and I struggle to slow it and regain composure.  So I'm letting go of last week and a job that had become toxic to me and giving myself permission to say, "It's done.  You can't change everyone in the world, but you can change you."  With that said I turn my back and move forward.  Until next week.......GET MOVING EVERYONE!!!!!!  ~ Darcy